It's been extremely hot and humid for over a week. And well, since this is the armpit of the nation, I guess it's to be expected. Bulldogs do not handle heat well so coming up with reasons to drive The Dogger around in place of a walk has been difficult. There's only so many places to go. In fact, we've now reached the point where I just drive her around. I lie about it when the subject comes up, however. For example, my Mom called last night just as J. was returning from a drive with The Dogger. Upon hearing all of the commotion of them walking through the front door [a boy + a bulldog = loud], my Mom said, "Oh is that J & Winnie?" And I said, "Yeah, they just got back from a drive." Which, in turn, caused immediate judgment and yelling about how spoiled The Dogger is. I quickly yelled back, "YOU DIDN'T LET ME FINISH. HE TOOK HER TO THE GAS STATION BECAUSE I NEEDED GAS." Naturally, that was a complete lie but she judges me enough. [I'll do anything to lighten the load.]
So yesterday, by the time The Dogger's mid-morning walk was due, it was roughly 910 degrees and extremely humid. So, I put her in the car and drove her to the bank to make a deposit. I had the air on in the car but left the window cracked while waiting at the drive-thru window in case the bank teller decided she'd like to make awkward conversation as she sometimes does.
The Dogger picked that moment, at the bank, with the window cracked to start talking. You might remember mentioning that she talks. In fact, she's been on TV for saying "I love you." While I can't post that video since I signed a release form, I can post this one. If you can tolerate hearing me plead, "SAY I LOVE YOU" a million times, you'll get an accurate picture of what I mean when I say she talks.
And so, we're at the bank and she started talking. She only talks for me and has never done so in public. It was loud. Very loud. I was happy to see the teller wasn't at the drive-thru window, but had walked away to process my transaction. I thought we were safe.
And then: the teller rushes to the window and says, "I'm sorry - did you just say something???" I calmly tell her that I did not say anything, but rather, my dogger said something. She said, "Excuse me? Your dog just... talked?" And as if that teller waved a magic wand, The Dogger began talking again. Only louder than before.
The teller laughed and then called the other employees to the drive-thru window where they proceeded to chatter and laugh because The Dogger was talking.
I've been humiliated many times in my life. I got my period for the very first time while in school. I was arrested for dancing [while sober] at a party. [and by dancing, I mean actual dancing - not stripping] I did some weird comedy skit my cousin convinced me to do for some stupid talent show when I was 10 - dressed as a "martian" with green food coloring on my face and a long, curly red wig complete with tinfoil antennas.
And now... now I've been humiliated by a talking Dogger.
A recent email exchange critiquing my blog made me think about blogging on a deeper level. I don't mean that it made me think I should be more profound; I meant it made me think about blogging as more than just typing words into a Wordpress created text box.
I've realized there are some things you should know about me and this blog. I guess I should have written this over a year ago when I launched this site. Oh well. I've never been good at striking while the iron is hot even though that's my new favorite expression. I tend to strike when the iron is lukewarm.
In relation to this blog and blogging in general, there are many things I'm terrible at doing. A list for you:
1. I'm terrible at trying to be funny. If I write something funny, it's just luck. I get so tired of visiting blogs where it's evident that people are embellishing their witty posts to make them funnier. Stop trying so hard. It's like you're made of glass: we all see through it. Peel away the layer of "trying" and I'm sure your posts will be funnier.
2. I'm awful at approving comments in a timely manner. In turn, that makes my responses to your comments seem outdated. I'm neurotic enough to worry about that so sometimes, I fail to respond back for fear of my response no longer being relevant.
3. I'm horrible at kissing ass. If you comment and I disagree or have something to say, I'll say it. I'm not a part of any social blogging networks and don't feel the need to stroke anyone's ego. I never tread lightly for fear of stepping on toes; I kind of stomp. Heavily.
4. I have a few blogs that I read but I don't always check them daily. I won't pretend to do so either. I read them when I read them. Sometimes I leave comments and sometimes I don't have much to say about the goings-on in your life.
5. I am bad at hiding my annoyance for people who don't link anyone yet seem to have tons of readers. How do you do it? On other hand, I'm also annoyed by people who link everyone in the hopes of it bringing more readers. I'm thankful there isn't a Blog Police Force that will arrest me for not linking Dooce.
6. I'm awful at disguising my disgust for comment whores. I just can't wrap my mind around it. Sure, I'm jealous you get 1,263,983 comments 23 seconds after you post something, but what did you have to do to get those comments? You most likely left 1,263,983 comments before you posted your blog. Unless you're one of those annoying people who doesn't link anyone but has tons of readers. [See #5]
7. I'm terrible at writing about a vast amount of subjects. I'm in the throes of dealing with a nasty illness which limits my activities most of the time. Therefore, there isn't any too exciting happening in my life. I blog about what I know, what I see, what I live. I don't care if it's too redundant for you or you're bored. Maybe if they find a cure for CD, I'll travel the world and blog about it just so I can redeem myself in your eyes.
So those are some of the things I'm bad at when it comes to blogging. There is one thing I'm good at, however. I'm good at making lists of what I'm bad at when it comes to blogging.
I've previously mentioned my disdain for retarded magazine ads and inserts. That disdain also includes retarded Internet ads. Especially those stupid "LOSE 10 POUNDS IN A WEEK - OBEY!" ads. What the fuck? Obey what? Obey whom? Obey YOU and pay you $$$ for you to tell me to just consume liquids for a week? Fuck that shit, yo.
As if those ads aren't bad enough, now there's this:
I am so scuzzed out. Okay, first and foremost, do you see where it says "simulated imagery"? That's hysterical. I mean, why not just say, "These pictures are fake. We looked for someone with lips the color of the sky during an total eclipse and then we used Photoshop to make that person's teeth whiter. Oh, and don't look at their 'fangs' because if you do, you'll notice we missed those when we adjusted the contrast in Photoshop. Also, we picked someone whose teeth are as crooked as a train track from the 1900's just so we could imply that even people who don't have the money to get braces can still whiten their fucked up grills. And so what if those small white specks on his lips are bits of crack residue? We bought homey a Grand Slam breakfast from Denny's for his time, so our conscious is clear."
The funniest part is if you actually go to the website Momsteethstory.com, it forwards to a different domain, one that really wants to exploit the "recession" and its impact on how yellow your teeth are. This site is full of Cathy and her story about how she "wound up with yellow teeth" and how she "discovered a system that works better than expensive whitening formulas." And even better still, as proof that Cathy's smile is whiter than white is a large photo of Cathy's smilin' white toothed-face. But wait... what's that in the corner of Cathy's picture?
Oh. It says "stock photography". So even Cathy is fake. And the people behind this ad were too cheap to pay the $17 to get the image without the words "stock photography" on it.
I'm pretty sure I'll just stick to whitening my teeth like any normal human: by brushing, flossing, going to the dentist regularly, using Crest Whitestrips occasionally and staying away from the crackpipe.
